Do I Have the Courage?

I’m on the precipice. There’s no going back; the joy has left that path and I just feel bored when I consider staying put. My toes are gripping the edge of the cliff. But I have no idea what it is that I’m jumping into. It calls me, but ….Do I have the courage to jump?

I’ve been sitting with this question for a couple of days. I’ve been beating myself up for lacking the courage I think I need. But I just can’t move. My calves are cramping, but still I teeter. This question seems to just keep me stuck.

As soon as I hear myself say the word stuck, it occurs to me that I’m asking an unworthy question. (See earlier post on The Unworthy Question.) I step back from that teetering edge and consider what is going on. The situation feels ambiguous. I’m not really sure what it is that I need to leave. I love working with private clients. I enjoy writing. I’m even feeling intrigued with learning about effective use of social media. Yet, something is off. I feel bored with myself, with my life.

Something is calling me. I can feel it, hear it. It draws me – but I don’t know what it is. I just feel that I need it. But maybe I’m wrong.  Do I have the courage to jump anyway?

Ding, ding, ding! Of course I’m teetering; I’m asking a question full of doubt.

I trust myself enough to trust my knowing that I need to jump. The question I need is: Where do I find the courage? Yes, that feels better. This question infers that I will find the courage, even if I don’t know where. This question just makes plain good sense. I relax and open to possibilities.

I decide to check my emails. My friend, Suzy Wenger, is traveling in Ireland and has sent me a photo from the Cliffs of Moher.

Cliffs of Moher - Suzy

Cliffs of Moher, Ireland – Photo by Suzy Wenger

I feel transported and intrigued by the mysterious caves, rock formations and the water itself. I want to stand on top of the cliffs and dive. I imagine doing so: the wind blowing through my hair, the freedom of the fall, the welcoming waves, all the possibilities to explore. Yes, I feel fear too. But the mystery calls me more fiercely than the voice of fear; louder than my science brain that tells me there are rocks below the water and that the water is freezing.

Where do I find the courage to jump? In the mystery, I find it in the mystery – right next to adventure, curiosity and wings – my wings. It’s simply time to fly.  I no longer need courage, I just need to remember that I have wings – and that the mystery holds magic. Who’d have guessed I’d find all that in a photo – minutes after I found the worthy question.

Wanna know where my wings are taking me? Me too. I’ll share it in my next post.
Head shot

Preening my wings in preparation for flight, ~ Lena

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