My Undoing

I know I’m in good company these days as I feel like so much is falling apart in my life. I thank the Goddess that I’ve been here before; I know to look for the treasure. I also know to remind myself how I’ve always come through this sort of transformation feeling blessed and incredibly grateful. So even in the darkest moments, I find at least a sprinkle of trust in the process.

I got my We’Moon calendar in the mail this week. True to tradition, I immediately went to my year at a glance astrology page for my sun, moon and rising signs. I don’t rule my life from astrological info, but I do respect the patterns it shows me and truly appreciate the heads up for what energies might be moving through my life. It helps me prepare and is an incredibly helpful reference for those dark moments.

So much of what began last August is sprouting in these early months of 2018. I have been in crisis – a crisis of faith, of questioning my work path, of my relationship with my body, of my ideas of who I am and how I walk in the world.

My year at a glance:

  • Skeletons hiding in the family closet are waiting to be excavated, as are profound currents of intergenerational healing.
  • Revamp mental constructs that inhibit your expression of innate creative energy.
  • A call for all-out commitment and deep transformation, often through struggle and crisis.
  • Don’t get too serious about the work of Service.
  • Keep growing as you seek out what nurtures your innermost being and creative essence.
  • This is not a year to play it small, so dream big and sail forth.

While such directives might send one into a spin, or at least back to bed to cover their head – I admit to feeling an incredible sense of relief. I’m well into these tasks of transformation, which tells me I’m in alignment with my path and purpose. Or, in not so spiritual terms, there’s purpose in this shit storm.

This for me is a moment of joy and an opportunity to release doubt and fear. I haven’t been making things up, I haven’t been stewing in a spiral of self-sabotage. I am in an initiatory cycle. Initiation always involves challenges, doubts, fears, undoing. In the last couple weeks I’ve felt like a vessel with many cracks; I don’t seem to be able to hold anything for long.

Yet, I’ve experienced an equally strong sense that I am not broken. In fact, I’ve felt a compulsion to resist anything that hints at me being broken. I find myself thinking a lot

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Photo by Paul Talbot on Unsplash

about kaleidoscopes. I’ve always had a great fondness for them – always the same matrix, but so many expressions and perspectives.

The cracks feel like an invitation to release the matrix that is the kaleidoscope of my life: to let go of stories that were never mine; to release expectations and old dreams; to stand on the brink of nothingness; to rest until I’m ready to choose, with sacred discernment, the matrix for my new kaleidoscope.

This kind of clarity, these strong images that evoke such intense emotions in me, the affirmation from the stars that I’m in alignment – they tell me that I’ve made it through the darkest, most fierce part of the storm. I may be buffeted about by strong winds here and there, but dawn is breaking. This New Day , a song by Kelliannaspeaks to me of this moment in an initiatory cycle.

I’m so grateful to have been through this cycle enough times to know its nature and to know things will shift, are shifting. I’m also grateful to be able to articulate it so that I can share with you the certainty of the cycle moving, as we collectively face such erratic change in our world.    ~ Blessings, Coleen

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Photo by Nikolay Avakyan on Unsplash

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